Tuesday, January 22, 2008

God Forbid Your House Be Dirty

Before the heavens and the earth came into existence, all was a chaos, unimaginably limitless and without definite shape or form. Eon followed eon: then, lo! out of this boundless, shapeless mass something light and warm rose up and formed. This was a House, in which materialized a place called Living Room. Next, Bathroom and Kitchen, followed by rooms called Bedroom and Playroom. These divine rooms are called The Home.

In the meantime what was heavy and opaque in the void gradually precipitated and became the Dirt, Grime and Germ, and it took a very short time before it condensed sufficiently to form a solid layer in The Home. In its earliest stages, Dirt, Grime and Germ may be said to have resembled oil floating, medusa-like, upon the surface of everything in The Home. Suddenly like the sprouting up of a reed, a group of humans arose. These were Husband and Wife.

Many children were thus born in succession, and so they increased in number as Dirt, Grime and Germ increased in number too. But as long as the world remained in a dirty, chaotic state, there was no happiness to be had. Whereupon, God summoned the two divine beings, Husband and Wife, and bade them to consolidate The Home into a sanitary place. "We bestow on you," God said, "this precious treasure home, with which to rule your own happiness, the disinfecting of which we command you to perform." So saying God handed them a cloth called Lysol Disinfecting Wipes, embellished with Microlock Fibers to help trap germy household messes. The couple received respectfully and ceremoniously the disinfectant wipes and then withdrew from the presence of God, ready to perform their august commission. Proceeding forthwith to the Bathroom, which lay between the Kitchen and Living Room, they stood awhile to gaze on that Dirt, Grime and Germ which lay below. What they beheld was a world not visible to the eye, but looking like a sea of filmy scum, exhaling the while an inexpressibly foul odor and possessing the ability to make all who touched it deathly ill. They were, at first, perplexed just how and where to start, but at length HUSBAND suggested to his companion that they should try the effect of cleaning up the film with their Wipes. So saying he wiped over the Bathroom surfaces. Then drawing it up, he examined it and observed the Dirt, Grime and Germ that immediately coagulated on the Lysol Disinfecting Wipe. Delighted at the result, the two descended forthwith from the Bathroom to reach the Kitchen. Thereupon the Husband turning to the left and the Wife to the right, each went round the Kitchen and cleaned up Dirt, Grime and Germ so that none of their raw chicken or eggs should make them sick. When they again met each other on the further side of the Kitchen Island, Wife, speaking first, exclaimed: "How delightful it is to see things so clean and disinfected!" To which Husband replied: "How I miss seeing the Football game!" After having spoken thus, the Husband said that it was not in order that woman should ask a man to clean. Nevertheless, she ordered him to disinfect the house. The Husband, now silent with anger, ascended to Heaven to confirm with God his wish. God said to them: "It is the Wife’s fault. It was not right and proper that the female not keep her home cleaner in the first place. She should have been using the entire line of Lysol All-Purpose Cleaners, Sanitizers and NeutraAir Sprays. And it is her profession to ensure that The Home is a safe and happy place. That is the reason you are so unhappy, Husband." The Husband and the Wife saw the truth of this divine suggestion, and made up their minds to rectify the error. So, returning to their Home again, they went once more to the Kitchen. This time Wife did the cleaning with the entire line of Lysol products, while Husband fixed himself a half-time snack "How happy I am," responded Wife, "that I should be able to make you happy while you relax in front of the football game!" This process was more appropriate and in accordance with the law of nature. After this, and with the help of Lysol products, The Home was healthy and left nothing to be desired.

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