Morning Routine for Lady on the Bus (Whose Name Might be Linda or Cheryl)

5:00 am - Wake up to alluring scents and sounds wafting from Aroma Therapy & Nature Sound Dual Alarm. Slowly slide out from underneath mauve satin sheets with coordinating rose tapestry duvet and put on high heeled purple feather slippers. Remove hair sleep bonnet and un-cover pre-set and styled hair from night before.

5:05 am – 5:20 am - Make bed and arrange 100+ decorative pillows on bed. (Pillows are carefully stored in hand painted chest at foot of bed.)

5:20 am - 6:00 am – Draw bath in Jacuzzi Brand Bathtub. Add entire bottle of Rosewater to the water, swirl it around with hand carved rosewood bath paddle, and place pre-cut cucumber slices over tired eyes while soaking, listing to the sounds of smooth jazz on Light98 FM. Place pre-set and styled hair in shower cap for protection. (Full body laser hair removal has made shaving no longer necessary)

6:00 am – 6:20 am – Decide outfit. Per usual, be sure to select something that will easily transition from day to night with the addition of dressy separates to be packed in work roller board. Hang outfit on hook to steam.

6:20 am – 6:40 am – Pop open can of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls, bake, and eat in one sitting.

6:40 am – 6:45 am – Brush teeth with Crest Brand Whitening Expressions Lemon Ice Liquid Gel. Apply Crest Whitestrips.

6:45 am – 7:15 am – Apply personalized morning face cleansing ritual from Avon.

7:15 am – 7:40 am – Use Bare Escentuals Brand Makeup to carefully apply foundation makeup. Be sure to select a heavy base that matches level of tanning.

7:40 am – 8:05 am – Using outfit coordinating colors of Bare Escentuals Brand Makeup, carefully apply trio of out-fit coordinating eye shadows and liners.

8:05 am – 8:25 am - Apply and re-apply at least 100 coats of mascara. Keep at least 5 new wands at hand.

8:25 am – 8:45 am – Apply and re-apply at least 100 coats of matching lip-liner and lipstick in a color that exactly matches at least one element of pre-selected outfit. Be sure to line outside of natural lip area to create fuller looking lips.

8:45 am – 8:55 am – Perform part of “Get Fit Fast: Abs” DVD workout. Give up before breaking a sweat.

8:55 am – 9:10 am – Pack work roller board with the following items: Work makeup bag (including 4 lipstick changes, 3 spare mascara wands, and powder), tanning oil (for lunch break tanning session), dressy separates (for seamless evening wardrobe transition), a bottle of outfit-coordinating nail laquer (to be used to paint nails on morning bus commute), a worn and re-read copy of Life’s Little Instruction Book and a fake engagement and wedding ring (to be used in the event of an Old Friend Encounter.)

9:10am – 9:40 am – Dress.

9:40 am – 9:45 am – Shower in 5 minute Calvin Klein Obsession Mist.

9: 45 am – Call work to let them know you’re going to be an hour late, lock up and walk to street to catch the bus.