Tuesday, November 29, 2005

A Warning for You

You are slowly going crazy as you read this.

You can almost smell the neurotic in here. And its drifting toward you.

Breathe it in, go crazy. Hold your breath, you die.

Just like your mom. Just like your aunt. Just like that lady next door whose doorway always smells like frank and beans. When encountered on the elevator she never fails to mention she was laid off from her administrative job. She worked there for 23 years, you know.

Yeah, those are slippers she's wearing. She was wearing slippers while she shopped for groceries. Its 20 degrees outside.

You don't own a pair of slippers, but you one day will. And you don't really need to own a pair to wear them. Get my drift?

You're practically wearing slippers now, you crazy bitch.

4 comments:

hucklebuck said...

Where did you get that "two pump chump" line from, in your first entry? I thought I made that line up myself. I guess I was naive to think I was the only one who knew of it. Although my version reads, "two pump thunder chump". This let's people know that even though the ride was short, it was still pretty sweet.

Sorry for harrassing you, my job is so boring, I have this kind of time....to roam through random blogs. I hope you don't mind.

Carrie said...

Roam in here any time you'd like! I like the comments.

I think you might be the only person who reads this blog and I'm happy to have the company - even if its out of boredom. =)

The two-pump chump line is one I picked up from my boyfriend and his roommate, but I've heard it around too. Its definitely one of my favorite phrases. Never heard the thunder addition though.

Perhaps this is a case of parallel invention. Or maybe your phrase is spreading.

There is one thing I can say for sure: this blog will definitely have something to do with the propogation of that phrase. The throngs of people who visit this site will surely start saying it. They will start finding reasons to say it--perhaps they will even become Two Pump Chumps just so they can say to their girlfriends, "I'm sorry I'm such a Two Pump Chump."

Before you know it, it'll be sweeping the nation!

hucklebuck said...

There's also the ever popular, "Three slam, sorry mam", or the "Four bam, thank you mam"

I could keep going, and I will.

Five thrust quickie bust
The six stroke joke
The seven second man
The eight slither quiver
The ni.....ne, whew, that was good
And the old reliable, ten in and outer, no doubter, leave'm screamin expose`, on top the kitchen counter.

Carrie said...

I am impressed! I have nothing more to offer except, "Minute Man" Simple, but sweet. Really sweet.