I am Denise Richards...maybe.

I have always been phobic of vomit, vomiting and anything that vaguely resembles vomit and vomiting. The last time I vomited, in 4th grade, I cried and cried and cried. I mean, no one likes it (except that couple I once saw on an X-rated Talk Soup clip), but to say that I simply don’t like it would be the understatement of the decade. I have panic attacks when a) someone around me feels like they're going to throw up b) the stomach flu goes around or c) when I feel nauseous. I particularly would particularly be displeased to find myself in an a/b/c combo.

Most people don’t really understand it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been told, “God, sometimes I make myself throw up so I feel better.” So I give them my time-rehearsed analogy:

“Throwing up, to me, is like getting a shot would be to someone who is phobic of needs. Needle-phobes know that needle won’t kill them. They know it’s mostly for their own good, but that doesn’t stop them from freaking out every time they see a needle or syringe.”

Fortunately, my fear of vomiting has somewhat calmed down in my twenties. I used to be truly crazy about it. I’d think about it all the time to the point that I changed certain behaviors, in what I thought was an attempt to avoid it. I used to have an insane fear of food poisoning and was very weird about what I’d eat and where I’d eat it from. And I was a germaphobe with regards to stomach flu.I am proud to say that I've downgraded my situation from true phobia (an irrational and debilitating, behavior-changing fear) to what I would call just “a really bad, albeit irrational, fear.

These days, I’ll drink the milk a few days after the Sell By date, I’ll eat sushi (but only at nice restaraunts) and I’ll not avoid particular movies because I know that someone in the plot throws up. Generally, I'm a little more in control of my anxiety in that I won’t run into the path of an oncoming bus to avoid being around someone who’s drunk and could possibly vomit.

I used to think no one would be able to relate to my phobia and I was all alone in my strange ways, so I kept it to myself. My friends and parents knew I was weird about it, and they’d tease me about it, but they didn't know to what extent it ran my life. Then a couple of Media Events happened that raised my awareness and lessened my vomit phobia shame. The first was a show on Oprah regarding phobias. The sad thing is, I cannot remember whether or not I actually saw this show, or whether or not I heard about it from my friend, but I have a distinct recollection that they listed American’s Top Ten Fears and vomit was #6. Naturally, I comforted by the fact that I was a freak with a lot of Freak Company but also not a totally Trendy Freak.

Shortly after that, I saw a talk show interview with Denise Richards wherein she was talking about her upcoming movie, Starship Troopers. In this movie, she did a scene in which she had to barf. She was talking about how that was one of the hardest things she had to do as an actor because she's actually very phobic of vomiting.

This is somewhat ironic because I have been told, on several occasions, that I look like Denise Richards. Just last night a sassy man with Flamin’ Hot Frito-Lay Munchies in his teeth told me I looked like Denise Richards. Or at least he told his friend that and then looked me in the eye. My friend who was with me told me that I was a lot taller than Denise: She is only 5’4”. I didn’t mention to him that she made me think of blowing chunks. Plus, I'm not that enthralled with her looks, but at least I don't get told I look like road kill.

But I suppose it took Denise Richards to realize it that being a freak wasn’t all that bad, so when it would come up (no pun intended), I’d tell people about my phobia.Believe it or not, I met tons of people who had the same phobia. A lot of them shared common behaviors with me (which will further illustrate how much thought I’d given to it): they never drank a lot in fear of getting the Twirling Whirlies and having to barf, they didn't like going to rowdy parties where other people might get the Twirling Whirlies and throw up on their heads, they were terrified of getting preggers anddealing with morning sickness or a sick child, they don’t like strep tests because they make you gag, they didn’t like to hear people coughing loudly because it reminded them of gagging, and they wouldn't eat street meats (which I think is just good old fashioned common sense).

I always wondered where my phobia came from. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I pretty much chalked it up to loss of control when, one day last year, i mentioned it to my grandmother. I turns out that she is the same as me. She said she despised throwing up and would leave the kids to my grandfather whenever they were sick. I thought that was really uncanny that we would have the same fear butnot know that about each other.

Then when I was visiting my family at home this past week, I was talkingwith my aunt, whom I hadn't seen in years. It turns out she is just as phobic as I am. Thankfully, my cousin has only thrown up once in her 10-year life and my aunt wasn't around when that happened, so she feels lucky to not have to deal with it. That’s my version of the perfect child. We were both talking about how crazy it was that she, my grandmother and myself were all phobic of the same thing without knowing that about the other.

So I have come to the conclusion that I am phobic for one of two reasons: 1) because of genes or 2) because I am actually Denise Richards.

The jury is still out on which it is.